trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, depression

I’ve been a mess for a few days now, but updated to huge fucking mess tonight. I have been holding back tears for the past few hours. Why? I’ve also started cutting myself again, which I haven’t done in two years. I used ripped pop cans, but now I use anything that works. Steak knife, part of the metal edge of a foil box. That foil box edge gave me a deep bloody cut on my finger the other day by accident and now it won’t do much besides scratch me. The scars are showing up though, that’s good. There needs to be scars. I need red lines on me.

I don’t know why I’m cutting myself again. I’m scared. I’m fading away, and no one is noticing. Everyone thinks I’ve just been having a lazy summer, but I`ve been too depressed to move let alone do a lot of work. But I don`t want them to notice. I hate worrying my friends. Double-edged sword: I hate myself, or I hate them.

I don`t want to die, I have my whole life ahead of me and I know how it feels to have a loved one commit suicide, attempt suicide, think of suicide. I`m fine, really, not going to die before I win an Oscar.

School starts again on Tuesday, and while I`m not going to say it`ll be okay then, I will say that school will distract me enough to make me feel a bit better. 

I have bipolar disorder. But I haven`t had a depressive period like this in a long time. I`ve been depressed ever since my (ex) girlfriend dumped me (it is much more complicated than that last sentence makes it seem and I have every fucking right to be depressed). But I haven`t been so depressed.

I would imagine the cutting has to do with her somehow. She makes me feel like shit everyday. But I don`t want to burden her.

Video killed the radio star

Hiya! I haven’t done anything today except make some pins (and I haven’t even finished those) using the Marlena method (linko!). I’ll post some pictures today, but for now here’s a list of the pictures I’ve used:

  • The Golden Girls (Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia)
  • The Beatles (you know already)
  • Jim Carrey
  • Daria and Jane Lane from Daria
  • Colin Mochrie
  • Stephen Fry
  • Steve Buscemi
  • a Veggie Works fries from New York Fries

I went out with former friend yesterday. Ugh this relationship is complicated.

I have to go register at my high school tomorrow, take a picture and get my ID card, change my schedule (I have to add a class and change two others). I’m not sure what to wear. Probably my mohair-ish sweater that I just got. It has a spider web on it, and it is the best and ugliest thing at the same time. I’ll wear some pins with it, probably my school girl skirt. Yeah, alright. The difficult thing will be waking myself up to go to it, since I don’t have a ride.

Should I try to be a straight A student?

I went to a Ralph Lauren (??? I don’t remember, some preppy nautical thing) store place, and bought a fancy shmancy blazer. And I went to Target today and got a mustard yellow t-shirt (yay, favourite color), three pairs of jeans and a turquoise skirt (yay, second favourite color, also my very first high-low skirt). Oh, and a pair of cherry red sneaks, yeah boy.

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Okay, so, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of “personal style” since before grade ten I think, two years ago. And I finally defined mine! “Technicolor punk grunge”. Perfect, and much better than my previous efforts of “School rebel, kawaii, uncool humanities teacher, mod and gothic slut” (it’s okay, because I’m slut-shaming myself). And I’ve had this folder, pictured above, for YEARS, less than two, I think, maybe. Since I’ve had my laptop. At first it was “style inspiration”, then it became “looks to steal” and now there are thousands of pictures in there, so sort of an artifact title.

I tie-dyed TWO shirts today, using the three dollar kit. THE GREATEST DEAL EVER. The dye is wonderful, and there’s still quite a bit left over, considering.

I need to get thin wooden shapes, pin backs, yellow fabric paint and red fabric paint from Michaels. And maybe another shirt to dye.

And I have to stay up all night tonight to get the locker I want. BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT IT. I do want the locker, but… ugh. Okay, there is this friend of mine, she’s been my friend since grade five. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I am not friends anymore. I don’t want to go into details, but it’s a bad relationship. It’s not toxic, and we’ve both been assholes in this relationship, but I just don’t want to be friends anymore. Both of us always get lockers in the English wing, and honestly, I like the English wing, and even though the other side of the school is the exact same design but mirrored, I can’t imagine myself in the math wing or anything. Whatever man, I’m just trying to get a full locker and as far as I remember they don’t label that shit.

Grab your left nut, make your right one jealous

THE FUTURE IS SO UNCERTAIN YOU GUYS. But mine isn’t. I know EXACTLY what the next five years of my life will entail. But there are two uncertainties: will I join/create a band? and will I create an online or offline magazine? I just really want to talk to Tavi Gevinson and work for Rookie Mag and if they ever have an office I’ll probably move to that city just to be an intern okay.

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This is me by the way. This post needed a picture.

I sort of want a band, sort of want to release my own solo music, sort of want to kill all musicians. I am so sick of basically every song. There are some indie artists (like Dog Party) that I just discovered today so they’re fine, and I can never get sick of Billy Joel or “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Everything else is killing me.

AND WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO LIVE AFTER MY PLANNED FIVE YEARS???

I was so into Edmonton, so set on staying here. But now I’m considering New York, Vancouver (fuck I love the ocean), and of course Los Angeles. I don’t want to live in LA. That’s settled, sort of.

I plan on listening to some indie Edmonton artists tonight, seeing if I like any of them enough to shoot a music video or say “hey wanna be in a soundtrack?” Yeah.